Resistance
by Tomorrow
Summary: Heero reflects on his identity and his futile love for Relena. It's also a reminiscent piece, recounting how his feelings for her developed over the events of the series.


AN: Another revamp.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the song "These Dreams" by Heart.  
  
Many people have fallen victim to the obvious premise that I am a man of few words, only saying what must be said in the heat of the moment to survive and complete the mission at hand. That I am devoid of feeling entirely but for the survival or deletion of my charge.  
  
But those who believe this hearsay that has now, some way or another, manipulated itself from mere presumption into my current reputation are nothing more than ignorant. Armed with unprecedented and more aptly perverse conclusions, supported only by rumors and the few articles about me the tabloids managed to slip past Preventor security and privacy policies.  
  
These people who make such accusations don't know who Heero Yuy is. They couldn't, simply because I'm not that man. I've merely taken his name, used the legend and lingering sentiment still embedded in its syllables to inspire respect and even hope from the people who utter it with my face newly attached. Heero Yuy was a Colonial leader assassinated by my former guardian, Odin Lowe. So perhaps I knew the late Heero Yuy better than most, being that my mentor was the one who sent a bullet through his back.  
  
But if I don't have any other recollection of the man other than what I've spoken, then the paparazzi certainly won't realize their mistake in hounding the wrong man. They either want Heero Yuy, or they want myself; and because of the resurrection of his name in me and the victories I've won for humanity under that alias, people can't seem to make the distinction between the two. The former leader is no longer remembered with that name. I am. even though it was never mine to begin with.  
  
Life chooses to be ironic at such times, cruelly coincidental as Fate laughs at our miserable attempts to see her humor: I'm more famous for stealing the name than the man to whom it was given. The thief pitied and better praised for his cunning than the victim he pilfered. It's wrong. but there's nothing I can do to change that perception, other than remove myself from people's memories. But even with my skills such a feat is impossible. It's impossible to force someone to erase the pain or bitter grasp of a memory once it's curled its talons around the brain lethally. it only makes him recall the hour more vividly, the need to dismiss becoming a vigilant phantom to haunt his dreams and deprive him his breath when he finds refuge from reminisce. The ghostly fingertips wrap around the throat, strangling all other thought from him but the images his mind tries to abandon, all but the whispers, screams, and cries that accompany those mental illusions.  
  
He drowns in them.  
  
I know. because I've died from drowning many times.  
  
And I-  
  
As I said, the media wants a person I can't give them. They want Heero Yuy, but they also want me. I am no one. Literally.  
  
I was never given a name, sometimes called Odin Lowe Jr. because the older didn't know what to call me or take the time to think of a title that fit my personality. He never really did have time for me-only when I was aiding him on an assignment. Otherwise I was baggage, a handicap and worthless pile of flesh with legs sticking out of its ass with no purpose (I heard him say that to his cohorts on a number of occasions), and he would so "affectionately" refer to me as "Kid" or "Boy."  
  
But he was really the only father I'd ever known. And so I loved him. and love him still. Love can so easily turn into hatred; the boundary between the two is inconceivably fragile and just as pretentious: love and hatred are the same emotion, just disparately perceived, for they both harbor an equal amount of passion, effort, and choice. Two sides of a coin, dual faces leading to adverse ends. For although the two emotions seem one in the same, depending on the one which a person chooses to live by, the home he finds when the separate roads halt are surprisingly, and also radically, contrary.  
  
One encounters happiness while his brother is left with despair, tragic discrepant with elated. One rewarded and the other condemned, although at the core these feelings are similar. A principle I can't seem to understand and is proven fallible by someone I know. a very important person in my life.  
  
Relena loves- She's chosen to care and give herself in beneficent surrender. But she's getting thinner, paler. Her genuine smiles don't come as easily anymore, and her tears are a much more common occurrence than when we were younger. She's allotted me a place to stay, arms to find solace in, and a kind, almost merciful disposition that greets me each meeting we share. Still, she's compensated for her charity towards me and fellow man with only more grief, additional stress, and weeks of nearly sleepless nights.  
  
She cries over me, because of things I've said to her, or more accurately the lack thereof. This former princess, I know, has been beaten down by my ostensible apathy and the contradictory remorse and crave for love that my eyes betray. It confuses her and stirs her soul. and it has never settled. And that's my fault, undeniably. Unconsciously my cold yet intrinsically mild nature has played with her heart and abused her inherent warmth and rue.  
  
She chose love, and she was scarred with pain. I chose tragedy, and I was left with her love. It's not right. she's suffering for me.  
  
Spare a little candle  
  
Save some light for me  
  
So why don't I tell her this? How much she means to me and the magnitude of her sacrifice?  
  
I was always taught not to. My will and heart collide, and Odin and Dr. J have made my soul subordinate to my mind's sway. So I can't. The words just don't come.  
  
Still, I do feel. I do mourn. My heart grieves. But I've learned not to show it. The pain, the memories. they're just too much for me to defy alone. I feel so much grief that my eyes can't shed enough tears- The water loss would kill me. It hurts so much. I can't even breathe. It hurts. It really. really hurts. I tremble because everything hurts so badly. My chest feels weighed down. by all the dead bodies, like the corpses are nearly crushing me beneath their sorrow and just bulk guilt. And the darkness that holds me is cold. and lonely. abandoned.  
  
It. Hurts.  
  
And so the only thing I can do to keep living and atone for the blood and wrought misery is to suppress it all. The only way I know. So I really don't say much other than statistical data and undisputed facts. The more miniscule the information I disclose the better. More specifically, I evaluate each word that is spoken with a reflexive suspicion; the phrases run through my mind indefinite times, each instance the significance behind the sentences being calculated and inferred, and I therefore know when a reply is appropriate. And when a response is given, the thought has been reiterated in my head so many times that it's tedious even to myself. It can't help but be delivered in a monotonous fashion.  
  
But Relena loves me anyway, regardless of my past and the carnage she's witnessed at my hands. I don't understand that. It's such a new concept for me: returned and mutual affection. And since she's the only requited love I've ever known, I have to assume that's what love's essence really is: selflessness, warmth, commitment, and fidelity. I don't know if I can dig myself out of despair far enough to be able to give her true love in all its dimensions, to cradle a romance and let go of the demons that stalk me from years passed.  
  
I can't measure up to that. And because she was kind enough to show love to me, she deserves someone who can give her all those things. Relena Peacecraft-Darlian shouldn't be damned to love me. Our fates should be separate destinies rather than so vitally wound into one salvation. It's a mistake, and I would give anything to sever us. to make that happen. Life, heart. fabled immortal soul.  
  
But I'm helpless to attempt it. She's my mock condemnation.  
  
I have the ability to dream. I dream of love. I want it. But I was meant for blood and misery and dejection. To sell myself for those who can't physically defend themselves from tyranny. And so I fulfill my purpose and watch over Relena as I go. It's the only thing I can do for her.  
  
We were meant to be. but we can never be it.  
  
Figures up ahead  
  
Moving in the trees  
  
And looking back while lying in this bed beside her, after finally giving in to my desires and her kindred sadness, I can't stop seeing the look on her face, her tear-stained cheeks when she wakes up in the morning to find herself alone in the bed. Empty. Abused and discarded by the man she loves. because I was too weak to deny my own, selfish love. There's no other option for me now.  
  
White skin in linen  
  
Perfume on my wrist  
  
I'm sorry, Relena.  
  
And the full moon that hangs over  
  
These dreams in the mist  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Fire. Hot, searing tongues that raced down my arm to burn the flesh to near harrow-a penalty for my hesitation at the trigger. With a formerly deceptive plea I'd held the barrel to her eyes, watched impassively as that crystalline gaze of azure scorched my own stare with its fear, betrayal even. Heard her gasp as my finger pulled back on the trigger, as she beheld the thin piece of metal slide through my grip. Fell to the ground as the flames licked at my arm after the shot was fired. not from my gun. Its only palpable sign remained the blood that slowly seeped into my skin to scar it red, leaving a gory fountain down my lower arm and forming a puddle beneath my wrists.  
  
As my arm screamed silently in the pain, I felt an awkward chill crawling up my legs, from mere sensation seeming to be blood as lethal as ice on naked flesh, so bitter a numbness that it burned my skin worse than the bullet itself. It was intuitive, the chill. an internal reminder of something which at the time I couldn't place.  
  
I tried to regain my composure, but the loss of blood blurred my vision, leaving everything to twist and writhe as my eyes attempted to focus through the haze. My body left me no choice but to stumble back onto my knee, barely able to perceive the shadow of the man that shot me, to remain still as I noticed the gun from his silhouette aimed at my head to intimidate me into submission. For the braided boy saw me as a threat that needed to be eliminated for the sake of the girl that stood beside me amidst the exchange. I was the enemy as far as he was concerned.  
  
I braced myself for the bullet, although not ready to die since I hadn't destroyed all evidence that linked me to my mission (namely my Gundam), but I really didn't have a choice in the matter- Until that girl placed herself between me and the bullet. She stood in front of me, arms extended to the sides, and even had the gall to ask him why he wanted to shoot me-risking her own life, entirely reckless for a precarious vagrant.  
  
Kneeling down upon the filthy planks of the wharf, she turned her back on her now confused "savior" to tear the hem of her dress in a makeshift bandage for me, wrapping the expensive, imported silk around my wound without a thought, I'm sure, as to how she'd later explain the damaged gown to her family. She wanted only to protect me, perhaps for humane reasons, maybe because I was dangerous and she found that attractive in some perverted fantasy-living such a sheltered existence. She'd saved my life, and at that time her motivation wasn't something I decided to consider if I wanted any spectral peace. I was still being threatened and had a detonation to complete before I could let myself die.  
  
Still, I'll never forget the absolute shock that waltzed as prophetically across her eyes when I leapt off the rack of torpedoes, the plea that fell from her lips when I skidded along the wind and plunged into the marina. Her intimate, almost numinous pull on my will that made me want to keep searching for breath as my face remained submerged.  
  
I can't say why I chose to live that evening. I just know that the last thing I recalled was her face before darkness came, and I felt my heart beat skip once as her honey-blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes whispered through my memory. Haunting me. Begging me.  
  
Darkness on the edge  
  
Shadows where I stand  
  
I survived. for her. I had to get rid of her.  
  
I search for the time  
  
On a watch with no hands  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That American, Duo, discovered my identity and therefore came to liberate me from the Alliance medical facility, enabling me to complete my earlier mission: commit suicide before the enemy could draw any crucial information from me. Though I may not have been able to accomplish the original operation, that failure surfaced my obligation to keep confidential all military and tactical plans that could prove detrimental to our cause if in their hands. My mistake cost me my life.  
  
He had no idea- He gave me a parachute so that I'd survive the 30-story plummet, unaware of my actual intentions. And when I fell, refusing to release the chute, it was too late for him to impede my actions in any way. Just how I'd wanted it. just how I was trained.  
  
I had to be satisfied with this death for myself: a committed soldier. Nothing would be left undone. I'd escape the loss, the pain. All my memories. I could have my own peace.  
  
"Oh my God! Heero!"  
  
It echoed through my mind, resounding in my thoughts and taunting me to open my eyes and once again gaze at the face that haunted my dreams when otherwise darkness embraced me. Those golden strands. lovely blue stance. Sad stare.  
  
I couldn't die yet; I'd forgotten about her... I had to brush the tears away that nearly dripped from those turquoise eyes and caressed my skin-  
  
I had to kill her, stop her from revealing my identity to the enemy. My hand reached out to touch her face, lay silently upon her cheek-  
  
But instead my fingers tangled around the cord and pulled at it involuntarily. The chute released, slowing my descent only slightly- Enough, however, to save my life.  
  
As my eyes clenched with my body sliding along the rocks that covered the ridge, rendering me with additional bruises and jagged scrapes to scar my battered flesh further, I saw her kneeling beside me on the dock again. But this time my reality was skewed, for from those light blue eyes tears fell, tracing her cheeks before dripping to my arms. Mingling with my blood, stinging as the salt water irritated my wound. whether emotional or physical, I wasn't sure. Her strangled cry. Stifled sob.  
  
I want to see you clearly  
  
Come closer than this  
  
I got up with little trouble as my body settled at the bottom of the cliff, no pain evident on my face as I cursed myself for freeing my parachute... letting me live...  
  
Forcing me to kill her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You might as well enjoy the party," Relena challenged me as she, with total confidence in my judgment, told me that she'd just met Dr. J. A coy stare as she stayed locked with my eyes, gaze narrowing as I pulled my gun on her once again.  
  
She graced me with that unreadable countenance for a few moments longer, denying me the promise of the validity of her death at my hands. Overly manipulative. And then, with no fear in either gaze or composure, only perseverance as demure, she curtsied to me. Offering me her hand for the festivities.  
  
I had to know why this girl seemed so calm. coyness with a gun aimed at one's throat is not a normal reaction for any person. She was a threat to my mission, but somehow I'd become intrigued, more adequately seduced by her interest in me. I was a slave to her, becoming nearly rebellious of every lesson Odin or J had ever taught me. I was teetering on the verge of insurgence and insubordination. Desertion even entered my mind for a brief moment. and to a certain extent that thought rattled me.  
  
I had never been partial to disobedience before I met her.  
  
But I was lost in her.  
  
But all I remember  
  
Are these dreams in the mist  
  
We danced that night, she peacefully pretentious and I utterly suspicious of her intentions. But regardless of her earlier subservience, I couldn't deny that it felt right when I held her in my arms. She was warm and soft, and her breath teased my lips as she leaned closer to my chest, inadvertently tempting me as we waltzed across the hardwood floor as evenly.  
  
I wanted the moment to stand still, to believe what she'd told me about being on my side.  
  
I wanted her.  
  
These dreams go on when I close my eyes  
  
Every second of the night I live another life  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My body was suddenly thrown against the chair in the cockpit as the shots hit me in the rear of the mecha, but I stood my ground, seeming outwardly unfazed by the additional pressure weighing on my back. It felt like a Clydesdale had just shoved his hooves into my spinal column, contorting the bones and natural gesture of the ivory into perverted symmetry from their mammoth circumference. Excruciating.  
  
But then I turned my camera. and felt an innate dread wash over my skin, an impulsive crisis as I saw the laser turn the once ornate tower of the school into an ashen waterfall of bricks, wood, and shattered glass.  
  
The debris plunged from the loft. and down on her.  
  
She'd be dead. No longer my concern, free from her subtle mental seduction. And I'd be saved the guilt of carrying out the murder myself. All of my former trepidation sealed behind the destruction of an unknown assailant. This was the perfect solution.  
  
But I couldn't allow it. My body proved traitor. For instead I acted on my emotions, revolted against my rationale that beckoned me to leave her, and I shielded her from the raining debris.  
  
I even whispered her name as the night fell silent. I couldn't let her go.  
  
In that eerie reticence I opened my eyes, found her gaze as it traveled the length of my Gundam to rest on the celadon sockets of the mecha that showered her in their lucid stance as dire. Her cerulean stare met mine with questions, an uncertainty churning in that gentle blue to plague me. She wanted answers.  
  
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside  
  
Why had I spared her?  
  
I couldn't say. I really didn't know. I just had to protect her-  
  
She was becoming an obstacle.  
  
So I decided to get rid of her while the chance presented itself and my adrenaline was high; she had to be eliminated for the sake of my concentration and renew my devotion to the Colonies. I couldn't jeopardize their citizens for one girl.  
  
So I thrust my shield at her asking form, watched nearly detached as its metal corner aimed for her abdomen. But my hand averted the appendage only moments before it collided with her flesh, nearly grazing her cheek. Flushed so faintly from the heat the night endowed. The whole time she stood firm, simply observing in silence as I attempted to take her life.  
  
With her eyes on me, I couldn't do it. The pain that swan across those pools was engraved in my mind as I flew off, dismissing her cry that echoed in my thoughts to never abandon.  
  
I never did waver from my decision to leave her...  
  
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Darkness surrounded me, tempting my soul to its surrender. I saw her face all around me, mirrors of hollow beauty reflecting her silken strands that brushed my lips as her own called out to me in that vacancy. They kissed my forehead, softly luring me to distance once more with a lullaby only her runes could capture, pitches her voice could merely cry as my name left her. Sweet smile. Innocent kiss from gentle lips.  
  
That lust claimed my weary self, drawing me to the warmth of her body and companion song. There was only she. No blood baths or mutilated corpses. just Relena.  
  
Is it cloak 'n dagger  
  
Could it be spring or fall?  
  
I was free.  
  
But then I heard a sob echo in that dusk, scarcely silent, looked up at her face to see water stains on her pale skin. A plea. followed by a promise I couldn't hear as distance held us. A forgotten kiss. then light.  
  
I walk without a cut  
  
Through a stained-glass wall  
  
"Relena."  
  
It was a hoarse call for her as I saw those blue eyes turn to me, a sincere redress pulling at her lips to form a smile as her face found mine. I felt a wave of warmth wash over me with that look, serenity like in my exhaustion-induced reverie. Then I blinked to remove the haze that clung to my vision- And I saw a woman with red, curly hair. Silver eyes.  
  
Not Relena.  
  
Weaker in my eyesight  
  
The candle in my grip  
  
I lay back on the pillow after she went to get Trowa, her brother as I soon learned, and as I waited for him to appear I couldn't help but feel betrayed. Relena was there, with me, and she was taken from my grasp. I was finally happy in her embrace, trusted with contentment. and the light resurrected me. Defeated me once more.  
  
I felt lonely. undeniably cold.  
  
But my mask went up again when he entered the room, forcing myself to block that fantasy from mind and focus on the situation at hand. I hung on his every word, for if I didn't my thoughts would belong to her. and I couldn't afford that.  
  
And words that have no form  
  
Are falling from my lips  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I grunted as I fell from the cockpit of Zero, reveling in the feel of the air rushing against my skin, how it cooled my fevered flesh and made my stomach drop. Nausea set in after I realized the destruction I'd caused in my Zero System induced state, and I couldn't even groan when my body hit the floor. no sound from my lips to convey the sorrow that filled me.  
  
I just looked up. and found Relena's face looking down at me, offering a comfort she couldn't give so far away- All she could grant me was the solemnity of her gaze. Begging her for strength, guidance, something to ease the guilt whispering my damnation so fervently. She fell to my side, resting on her knees, almost as if to lift me from the floor with nothing but will, and I swear I felt her breath as it kissed my lips in a gentle plea to sleep. To forget for a moment.  
  
These dreams go on when I close my eyes  
  
But then Quatre came over to help me, and the delusion vanished as he cradled me against himself. She seemed to fear all other touch but mine. And without her there, I had no reason to fight the dark, and so with her residing in my memory I succumbed to sleep, dreaming only of her. or of nothing.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I saw the Foundation's soldiers surrounding me, thinking their superior number would be enough to eliminate me and take the princess captive. Only the most incapable of men underestimate their enemy's strength.  
  
I sliced through them with Epyon's whip, easily taking out over 75 suits in less than five minutes, but the more I fought, the more difficult it became to focus on the battle. The faster my adrenaline pumped through my veins the more lethal the grip the System had on my strategy and decisions. It seeped into my brain to take control, turning me into a ruthless machine meant to kill or be killed. Callous assassin.  
  
Every second of the night I live another life  
  
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside  
  
As I continued to penetrate their line, I noticed a stray laser headed for the heart of the kingdom. aimed for Cinq Palace. to kill Relena. She looked so sad as she watched the ribbon of cinders and firelight caress the glass that caged her, her face contorted in pain as the stream engulfed her in heat and scorching circles. She even cringed.  
  
I clutched the edge of my seat as I saw the energy singe her smooth, white skin, eyes widened when the sweat glistened on her cheek to soon mix with blood. A puddle growing as her knees buckled, drenching her entire body in deep, dark red. My knuckles felt like they were going to crack from how fiercely I clenched the leather, the resonance of my nails scraping my own skin drowning out her screams. ravaging the daylight with gore.  
  
I smelled her flesh as it burned. Pungent and foul. Sickening to smell the scorched flesh of a familiar body.  
  
The dry heaves were my reaction to the disgusting odor that perfumed the sunlight. My reaction to losing her.  
  
Don't take her.  
  
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Just go ahead and kill me," I heard her soft voice plead as I watched her from the auditorium's balcony, mournfully asking that I break her sovereign chains with my bare hands, rip the gown from her body with my teeth. Anything to keep her efforts from becoming symbolic of governmental puppetry.  
  
I couldn't do those things for her, even if I fantasized the endeavor. but I could kill her with a single bullet- And that would free her from culpability, a figurehead massacred to reveal tyranny and deceit.  
  
At that moment she averted her gaze from mine, anticipating the blood, yearning for the pain. Her downcast eyes told the tale. For the desperation they enslaved had its own voice in that massive hall, one even more powerful than its bearer. for its wail resonated through the chamber, shattering mercy into singing shards, goodness into splinters. It leveled all it touched, whether flesh, such as I, or silence.  
  
There's something out there  
  
I can't resist  
  
She wanted what was best for the Earth and Space, wanted to forfeit her life for peace: dear martyr.  
  
This queen was so majestic in her ruin that my eyes slid closed as I pulled at the trigger, heard her breath catch in her throat.  
  
I didn't believe that she could bring peace. although she tried. And she tried very hard.  
  
I need to hide away from the pain  
  
Then the clap of hands, then another, and another until the entire auditorium was on its feet in applause, a thunder that announced her triumph and right to persevere in its bellow. Sanctioned command. It tore me from my trance, forcing me in that moment to yield to the will of the people and cede her life. And so as I left the main hall I set my sights on a new target: her brother.  
  
I guess I should thank them or at least acknowledge my good fortune. I was spared having to kill her, and I would have done it. Despite my personal attachments to the girl I would've shot her. for the sake of the peace we both were fighting so hard to achieve. Her peace.  
  
There's something out there  
  
I just can't resist  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Heero, Relena's on the Libra."  
  
He seemed sincere in his warning, but when it came to Duo it was always somewhat difficult to distinguish when he was being serious or just trying to get a ruse out of someone. But he was concerned about that short-haired girl, Hilde, that had just been retrieved from smuggling information from Libra's computer system, so I didn't think he was really in the mood to joke about such things.  
  
It took a moment for me to digest what he'd just told me, but when it finally sunk in I felt anger and a foreign determination flood my veins and burn my blood as they coursed through. I knew what was going on: Relena was being used as bait, manipulated to lure us onto the ship (enemy territory). And that wouldn't be allowed.  
  
He wouldn't take advantage of their kinship.  
  
I would get her off and take her away from Zechs. Not only was he undeserving of her presence on his ship, but she could be easily used as a trump card if her brother so chose. Either way I had to get her on Peacemillion, whether for more personal reasons or strategic tactics.  
  
And as I made my way to Zero and looked up into its eyes, as she had done that night of the school gathering, my soul called out to her. telling her to wait for me. I would come. I would save her.  
  
"Relena..."  
  
The sweetest song is silence  
  
That I've ever heard  
  
"Heero..."  
  
I heard her softly reply, confident and promising. She knew.  
  
Funny how your feet  
  
In dreams never touch the Earth  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I caressed her cheek with hesitance, a gentle touch as mere as lover's kiss so sought with my fingertips that brushed her fevered skin. nearly as if such innocent friction would scar her with the blood as illusory beneath my nails. And with this gesture I asked her to let me fight so that I could protect her and peace could be attained.  
  
She only snorted at me in reply, arguing that the ship was destroyed, and therefore the battle would be futile. As she saw it, I was putting myself at risk for no comprehensible reason, a farce she couldn't allow me to stage for fear of the consequence it hailed. And I found it in myself to smirk at her ignorance to the situation.  
  
Then I pulled her close, smiling softly as I felt my lips tingle with her breath that swept across them, yearning to feel hers beneath mine. Hungry for a princess's kiss.  
  
But I wasn't planning to survive this final battle, and I couldn't leave her with false hopes. I wouldn't torment myself with the inevitable. That pity in her gaze as the shadows of the hanger held it still, soul within as soft as candlelight surreal. Lamented darkness threatening her.  
  
She was so beautiful.  
  
In a wood full of princes  
  
Freedom is a kiss  
  
And so I pushed her away, watched her as she reached out her hand for mine, heard the call of my name resonate across the emptiness so desperately, sighed when I saw a lone tear fall with my good-bye. But it was a moment suspended in time, for it floated upon the dim glow of the hanger, lovely crystalline star to burn the silence with its sorrow, borne of a lover's plea.  
  
A final memory.  
  
But the prince hides his face  
  
From the dreams in the mist  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Farewell, Relena."  
  
It was nothing more than a whisper, but those two, forgotten words were my valediction to this world and the hatred it wrought. To a woman that had somehow besieged my sentimental fortress and slain the dragon clutching my soul in its jowl with such rancid recall. The serpent no longer breathed on my conscience, spit fire to engulf my guilt, or dared to run its teeth along my inclination to love. and be loved. Only its phantom remained to haunt me, dwelling within its skeleton cage that once removed would shear the specter with it.  
  
I was really free. Not just feeling the sensation. I really was free.  
  
I pressed down on the self-destruct button, finally pleased with this death for myself and ready to yield, for I finally knew what it was to feel loss, to feel dependent on the strength of another person. To be human.  
  
Maybe that was all I ever wanted. What I fought to suppress may have been the only thing that enabled me to survive and find the courage in myself to be selfless. Sweet Irony. I understand you now.  
  
These dreams go on when I close my eyes  
  
Every second of the night I live another life  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I will... I will... I will survive!" I cried out into the silence of space, an utterly deafened tundra, as I fired my beam cannon at the remaining flank of the Libra-that with its descent promised eternal winter and therefore the inevitable destruction of the Earth's inhabitants.  
  
I felt her all around me, her fingers as they caressed my neck and brushed against my shoulder, her presence and hope merging with my skill to guide the beam to the broken sector. She helped me across the distance, felt me. Made me want to live. to succeed.  
  
Relena had touched me irrevocably, and so our souls were forever beseeched.  
  
I finally knew.  
  
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside  
  
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away  
  
As the debris degraded in the Earth's atmosphere, I felt happiness and a true sense of peace take hold. Her spirit was beside me, cradling me as we floated in space only disturbed by the gentle glow of the stars. barraged by the congratulations of the other pilots.  
  
Embraced by her blessed apparition.  
  
I knew what I finally wanted.  
  
These dreams go on when I close my eyes  
  
Every second of the night I live another life  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
She lies here next to me, her warm breath teasing my skin as we remain entwined so still. I touch her one last time then replace the warmth of my body with the sheets, leaving a final kiss on her forehead before I get dressed. Disappearing over her balcony. never to return again. Fate's slave.  
  
"I love you, Relena."  
  
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside  
  
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away 


End file.
